We have been on this adoption road about 16 months..by the time the kids get home it will have been long enough for 2 pregnancies! I am tired. Very tired, like worn down to the nubbins tired. God has used this process to stretch me so dang much I feel a bit like Stretch Armstrong.
It has been a refining process like I have never experienced. Ever. He has exposed sin in me that I would have told you 2 years ago did not exist in me. A few of the UGLY things I have had to learn about myself through adoption... OR to say it nicely, A few of the lessons adoption is teaching me.
My Joy is in circumstances ~ I cannot tell you how many time the phone has NOT rang and my entire day has been blown to shreds. I am depressed, cranky and testy with anyone who crosses my path..all because of a circumstance that doesn't go my way.... for days on in. Adoption has taught me that my joy needs to be in the Lord and not on what is or is not happening in my day.
My Belief in God ~ When I prayed for God to move an obstacle. I mean really ( fasting, begging, praying on my face all night) praying for something and God doesn't move I had to make a decision. Do I either 1. Think God isn't big enough to move. 2. God doesn't care enough to help or 3. God is big, He does care, but He is working something out I cannot see but it is for my good. Now, the "church answer" is 3..I KNOW that, but do I believe it? Yes. Yes, I do, but not after many early morning soul searching prayer times.
Bitterness is always ready to raise its ugly head ~ There are families that traveled with us in January that are already home with their children, some are in Ethiopia right now. Others are going very soon. Some visited after us and now are going back..And here we sit not even passing court yet. I AM truly happy for these families. Well..about 80% happy. The other 20% doesn't understand. Why us? Why do our kids have to wait longer...why? ( See lesson 2..My belief in God) I have to be aware of this bitter root and not let it grow in me. Praying for these families have helped. I do love them and I am happy for them..and when I am not happy, I see my selfishness/bitterness.
My ways are not His ways~ There always seems to be "that family" within our Yahoo adoption group. The one that is having particularly difficult circumstances that are out of their control or the agency's control. The ones every one is praying for while in the back of their mind think "Man, I am so glad I am not that family!" We became "that family " back in November when our baby boy referral was lost..and it took so long to get another referral, right before we traveled. Now we are "that family" again because we cant pass court. I don't want to be "that family" anymore. I have wrestled with this so much. Why would God do this? We are adopting not just a baby, but a 10 year old too..why make us be the ones to wait and wait and have no control. Someone told me yesterday I don't have to understand the mystery, just need to trust the One who wrote it. His ways are not my ways. His ways are not my ways..repeat about 50 times a day.
It is not about what I NEED ~ I know that we don't need anymore kids. I want more kids, but I also realize all we have and what we could be doing with our time, finances and love instead of just continuing to "better ourselves". I know this is true and as long as I can focus on this bigger picture... that God is at work in me, in my children, in our church, then I am able to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture and just the tiniest bit of the gold being refined in my life.
I want to say that when I am tried I shall come forth as gold. I really want to, but the thing is this refining hurts and takes a long time. I can say that I am so thankful He is in control and not me. If that is the only thing I learn..that He is GOD and I am NOT...then it will be worth it. The cool things is...that is not all I get out of this experience. Not by a long shot. The blessings totally outweigh the grief. Already. And they are not even home yet!
Have to say "thank you" for this post, Jackie. So much of this post is what I've been praying and thinking about--especially about how to stamp out my own little root of bitterness. I pray that God uses these refining days, weeks, and months to stamp His character qualities so definitely and visibly in Your life, that people will be blessed to see how He helped you through this time.
ReplyDeleteJackie - you don't know how appropriate this post is to me this morning! Obviously has nothing to do with adoption - but, on a couple of other issues. Thanks friend for being transparent & sharing these lessons with me. I needed it this morning.
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book, "I am not, but I know I AM"? I can think of no better time. Just a helpful reminder that it's not about us, our timing, our wants, our feelings - it's all about HIM. His timing, his ways, his GLORY.
ReplyDeleteRealizing that you are "that family" can be a hard thing to swallow. I have always been pretty content NOT being the centre of attention, or having much drama surround me. Three and a half years into our adoption journey, we have signed on with two adoption programs that closed (same agency, two countries), experienced an agency bankruptcy (drama - all over the news) & restructuring, hemmed & hawed over whether to stick with the agency & go with their only remaining option, decided to look at public domestic (foster care) adoption, entered pre-placement with a match and backed out just before placement (long story...complicated situation...missing information that came to light too late, etc.), came close to another match (photo finish with another family), declined yet another match, found out the previous match had not worked out for the other family, and are currently preparing for interview process "take two" for that situation. Anyway, I always knew adoption could be unpredictable...I just always thought that might mean some kind of delay in the process or maybe *one* course of action that didn't pan out...
ReplyDeleteSo, thinking of you - hoping things start moving along, and that you can soon experience the fulfillment of your waiting :)
We were another "that family". It has been 7 months since our referral and our WHOLE travel group is going either this week or next week to get their kids. A ray of light for you though, We have been waiting on our letter since February and it CAME TODAY! FINALLY. We will have him home 8-8 1/2 months after referral as long as we don't hit one final bump!
ReplyDeleteI read this earlier today and had to think of a response. You have written such a heart-felt truthful post about the trials of adoption. I don't think there is one adoptive reader that cannot relate to this post in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteYour obedience in this adoption journey is doing much more than blessing you with a son and daughter..it is bringing you closer to your Heavenly Father and creating a heart in you that belongs completely to Him. What a privilege!
Thank you...
ReplyDeleteOh, you have NO idea how badly I needed to read this today. I feel all the things you are feeling and I am so thankful that God STILL loves sinful, selfish me.
ReplyDeletePraying your kids home,
laura